End the Stalemate

Introduction

What’s happened?

Differences of opinion have always been part of life.  Spouses, family members, co-workers, neighbors and even church members have had spirited conversations about politics, theology, social issues, and even sports.  When college students were asked to keep a journal of how many arguments with friends they have in a week, the average was seven. A leading expert in family communication recorded dinnertime conversations of 52 families and identified an average of 3.3 occurrences of disagreements or arguments during every meal.  Some research even finds that competition, differences of opinion, and even conflict can enhance a relationship.

Two interesting facts about the studies you’ve just read.  First, while they had regular disagreements, individuals continued to talk.  While they may not have like what a friend or co-worker said, they didn’t end the relationship.  There’s even evidence that differences of opinion are good.   Second, the studies were all done between 1987-2011.[1]  How times have changed.

In today’s argument culture, we approach differences or disagreements differently.  Consider these sobering trends.

  • Since the 2016 presidential election, nearly a third of people report they have stopped talking to a friend or family member due to political disagreements.[2]
  • Nearly two-thirds of Americans say they stay quiet about their political beliefs due to the fear of offending co-workers or managers resulting in losing their job. They have good reason to worry.  In the same study, nearly 31% favored firing business executives if it became known they donated to the Trump campaign; 22% if contributing to Biden.[3]
  • In a comprehensive survey of college students, an alarmingly large number of students believe it is acceptable to act—including resorting to violence—to shut down expression of opinions they consider offensive.[4]
  • A nationally syndicated cartoonist argues it’s “okay to be white” and labels black people as a hate group. Solution? It’s time blacks and whites permanently separate.[5]
  • A member of congress argues differences are too great between Americans and calls for a “national divorce.”[6]
  • When surveyed, 42% of pastors have seriously considered quitting. When asked why, a top answer is bitter division within the church where factions believe the congregation would be better off without “them.”[7]

What’s happened? Why have we decided to cancel each or separate, rather than talk?  It’s not that the past was some idyllic time where no relationships were severed, but it seems there was a different attitude.   Is what changed is that we are angrier?  “We don’t have an anger problem,” states Harvard researcher, Arthur Brooks, “we have a contempt problem.”[8]  Brooks has spent years researching and interviewing experts trying to answer the what happened question.  His answer is that recently contempt has entered our communication, which he describes anger mixed with disgust. What’s the difference between anger and contempt?  As the older studies indicate, I can be angry or disagree with a spouse, co-worker, or church member, but still want to protect the relationship.  Families may not see eye-to-eye at the dinner table, but they still have dinner together.  Contempt is not only am I angry, but I no longer care if the relationship ends.  I’ll state my position and then shake the dust off as I leave.

It’s important to note that the sobering facts you’ve just read don’t mean we are no longer talking.  Ironically, we are talking more than ever.  In fact, researchers have coined a term—talkaholism—to describe our propensity for extreme overtalking.[9]  The problem is, we are only talking to people with whom we already agree, or our insulated ingroup.  Those outside the group have been mocked online or excluded altogether.

An Alternative to the Cancel Culture

What if you don’t want to end the relationship?  The person with whom you disagree is a family member, or boss and you can’t simply end the relationship.  Yes, you want to share your views, but you don’t want the ruin the relationship.  And, you don’t want to simply isolate from those with differing opinions.  What now?  Three areas provide hope.  First, you are not alone in wanting to both speak your mind and preserve the relationship. Scholars have identified an exhausted majority who are tired of cancelling each other out, or shouting down the other.  They want to find productive ways to engage that don’t ignore differences, but rather, seek to address them with charity.  Second, communication experts provide invaluable insight into what derails our conversations.  They note that we mistakenly think of communication existing on merely the content level (our convictions, beliefs, and opinions).  For sure, what we believe is an important part of who we are and what we value.  However, communication also exists on the relational level (amount of respect, compassion, and empathy between people).  Here’s the key insight: if you violate the relational level, then people don’t care about your content.

Last, the balance between the content and relational level was articulated long before being noticed by communication gurus.  The apostle Paul asserts we should always speak truth (content) with love (relational) to those inside and outside the church (Eph. 4:17).  Peter commands all of us to be ready to give an explanation of what we believe (content) but root it in the relational which will be evidenced by a “gentle and respectful” answer (1 Pet. 3:16).

This means that today’s argument culture provides Christian communicators an opportunity to model how to hold firm to convictions, while still engaging others with compassion, empathy, and perspective-taking which form the bulk of this book.  Paul informs believers at Philippi that if they set aside arguing and an overly critical spirit, they will shine “like bright lights” in a broken world (2:14-15).  Sadly, we may be missing this opportunity to be different.  Remember, one of the top reasons pastors want to quit is observing how bitterly divided fellow Christ followers have become.

We hope Engage One Another will provide a blueprint for not avoiding conflict, but approaching it by speaking truth in love.   Several features of this book we think you’ll find helpful.

  • Not only are readers exposed to communication insights that explore how we approach differences, but how these insights are powerfully undergirded in biblical truth.
  • The authors are not merely educators, but practitioners. The authors have travelled to high schools, universities, and organizations here and abroad engaging diverse perspectives.  Sean is the host of a popular YouTube channel where he interacts with atheists, liberal Christians, and those who have walked away from the faith.[10]  Tim co-hosts the Winsome Conviction Podcast designed to explore divergent views inside and outside the church.[11]  You’ll read both the successes and failures that have shaped their approach to communication.
  • Engage One Another interactive website. Where can you go to practice addressing potentially explosive issues without risking damaging a relationship?  After all, once you have a conversation you can’t take it back.  This website gives you a safe place to not only explore complex issues, but allows you to engage in perspective-taking exercises.
  • Focus on spiritual formation. We aren’t called to merely tolerate our neighbors, but love them as expressed in the second great commandment (Mt. 22:39-40).  Engage One Another takes seriously this command and provides ways to address our communication at the heart level.  “What you say,” asserts Jesus, “flows from what is in your heart” (Mt. 6:45).

Getting Started

            “I am so tired of waiting, aren’t you, for the world to become good and beautiful and kind?”  These words, written by poet Langston Hughes, express the weariness many of us feel in today’s divisive world.  We long for communication to be kinder.  While they could easily apply to our current communication climate, they were penned in the height of the racial tension and segregation of the 1930s.  His solution was to advocate for a type of collective introspection as we cut open our world to see what “worms are eating at the rind.”[12]  Good advice for today.  How did we arrive at the conclusion that no longer talking was the best option?  What current worms are eating away at civility and community?  Our journey begins by considering the perfect storm that gave rise to our disagreements, how it’s influenced our approach to communication, and how we as Christ followers can hold to our convictions, yet productively engage others.

We applaud Hughes’s call for introspection and the insight it would certainly yield.  Understanding social factors that shape us is key if we want to make lasting changes.  Yet, as Christian communicators we place our ultimate confidence in a wisdom from above that is “peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others” (Jm. 3:17).  With the Spirit to guide us and communication strategies rooted in the Scriptures, let’s adopt Paul’s confidence that despite extreme differences and the desire to pull away from each other, God is able “through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think” (Eph. 3:20).

***

[1] In order, R. M. Rezinik & M. Roloff, “Getting off to a Bad Start: The Relationship between Communication during an Initial Episode of a Serial Argument and Argument frequency.”  Communication Studies, 62, 2011, 291-306.  Sam Vuchinich, “Starting and Stopping Spontaneous Family Conflicts.”  Journal of Marriage and the Family, 49, 1987, 591-601.  Susan Messman & Rebecca Mikesell, Competition and Interpersonal Conflict in dating relationships.  Human Communication Research, 17, 2000, 170-185.

[2] Jeremy Peters, “In a Divided Era, One Thing Seems to Unite: Political Anger.”  New York Times, August 17, 2018.  www.nytimes.com/2018/08/17/us/political-fights.html

[3] Poll: 62 Percent of Americans Say They Have Political Views They’re Afraid to Share,” Cato Institute, July 22, 2020, www.cato.org/survey-reports/poll-62-americans-say-they-have-political-views-theyre-afraid-share.

[4] https://www.brookings.edu/blog/fixgov/2017/09/18/views-among-college-students-regarding-the-first-amendment-results-from-a-new-survey/

[5] https://www.npr.org/2023/02/26/1159580425/newspapers-have-dropped-the-dilbert-comic-strip-after-a-racist-rant-by-its-creat

[6] https://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/columnist/2023/02/22/marjorie-taylor-greene-national-divorce-liberals-conservatives/11314504002/

[7] https://www.newsnationnow.com/banfield/losing-the-faith-the-great-pastor-resignation/

[8] Arthur C. Brooks, Love Your Enemies: How Decent People Can Save America from the Culture of Contempt (New York: Broadside Books, 2019), p. 11.

[9] Dan Lyons, “On Mute: Overtalkers are everywhere—but saying less will get you more.” Time Magazine, JAN 30/FEB 6, 2022.

[10] https://www.youtube.com/@SeanMcDowell

[11] Winsomeconviction.com

[12] Langston Hughes, “Tired.” https://genius.com/Langston-hughes-tired-annotated